How to handle an irrationally angry or withdrawn mentee.

Sometimes, despite your best intentions, your mentee may seem angry or withdrawn. This may be because the mentee is redirecting feelings they may have about someone else toward the mentor. Indeed, it’s easy to see how a mentee might redirect his or her feelings such as anger/disappointment with a parent, frustration with a teacher, ambivalence toward an older sibling, etc. onto a mentor. How should a mentor handle this?

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Recognize the benefits.

February 20, 2015/in How to handle an irrationally angry or withdrawn mentee. /by admin

Close relationships with mentors, in turn, are thought to generalize, enabling youth to interact with others more effectively. In particular, by modeling caring and providing support, mentors can both challenge negative views that some youth may hold of themselves and others, and demonstrate that positive relationships with adults are possible. In this way, a mentoring relationship may become a “corrective experience” for youth who had experienced unsatisfactory relationships with parents or other caregivers.

So, despite its Freudian origns, transference is a relevant concept that can help mentors understand and navigate some of the complexities that might arise when they forge a meaningful connection with their mentees.

Remain calm.

February 20, 2015/in How to handle an irrationally angry or withdrawn mentee. /by admin

Mentors who can remain a calm and understanding presence,, and openly display positive emotions, particularly under difficult circumstances, can actively model the process of using positive emotions constructively (Denham & Kochanoff, 2002). By sticking with youth, even when they seem inexplicablly angry, withdrawn, or sensitive, mentors may facilitate coping and help mentees approach their reactions as opportunities for intimacy, growth, and learning.

Teach strategies for managing feelings.

February 20, 2015/in How to handle an irrationally angry or withdrawn mentee. /by admin

Psychologist John Gottman (2001) has referred to “emotion coaching,” in which adults model and teach strategies for managing feelings.

Provide a model for a good relationship.

February 20, 2015/in How to handle an irrationally angry or withdrawn mentee. /by admin

By serving as a sounding board and providing a model of effective adult relationships and communication, mentors can help their mentees to become better able to understand, express, and regulate their emotions (Pianta, 1999).

Reinterpret irrational behavior.

February 20, 2015/in How to handle an irrationally angry or withdrawn mentee. /by admin

If mentors can remain aware of such situations, and interpret them as a measure of how safe the mentee feels in the mentoring relationship, the mentees overreactions can provide valuable insights and openings for helpful conversations.

Keep an eye out for transference.

February 20, 2015/in How to handle an irrationally angry or withdrawn mentee. /by admin

Mentors, who are typically unschooled in the nuances of transference, are likely to be bewildered by the intensity of their mentees’ reaction in certain instances. For example, a mentor’s cancellation of an outing might trigger in the mentee strong unconscious feelings, stemming, at least in part, from earlier disappointments with caregivers. A mentor might see this overreaction as manipulative or overwhelming, not knowing that the mentee is redirecting unresolved feelings from other relationships onto him or her.